#49 - How to Survive Thanksgiving in 2020

The Gonzo Tonight Show is bringing you a short Thanksgiving special. This episode is slightly different than our usual episodes, but I hope you all enjoy a little break from the seriousness of our very twisted politics.

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Transcript

hank you for tuning in to another episode of the gonzo tonight show we're doing a holiday special episode for you it's going to encompass uh sort of be a guide of how to celebrate thanksgiving during a national pandemic and in 2020 we have seen a great pandemic that has stretched all across the world but in america specifically in the united states we celebrate things like thanksgiving and we want to be able to celebrate as best we can normally during this pandemic so i'm going to talk to you guys today about some different guidelines uh different sort of things you can do to celebrate the best of your abilities a normal thanksgiving and uh keep in mind that some of these uh state guidelines uh guidelines in every state they do vary so make sure you take this information with the grain of salt and if you live in a state however like florida per se i love my great states you don't have to worry about much of this the only thing you got to worry about really is making sure you bring enough food for the 20-plus people that are coming to your thanksgiving this year so if that's not you though and you live in the state uh left-leaning states such as commiefornia excuse me california or new york or washington or new jersey and such this video is for you so make sure you stay tuned for more tips

and speaking of commiefornia and a lot of the states that i mentioned previously uh even florida my home state we're pushing uh policies that are going to rage raise the minimum wage to 15 an hour and as you economists out there know that's not good for inflation that's not good for the cost of living and when things like this happen that's why i like to trust in acorn acorn helps me stay ahead of the game and be inflation acorn is a great app for investing and it takes your spare change or percentage of your paycheck and it invests into the stock market you can choose to invest conservatively moderately or aggressively i think it's ironic that the opposite of conservative is aggressive i guess antifa took that very literally and when it comes to investing however i personally like to choose the aggressive approach it's high risk but it is more potential gain if you're more cautious with your money you can go ahead and go a more moderate or conservative route when it comes to investing and make sure that your money is safe and secure in the long haul the best part about acorn is that all the investing you do uh is done by acorn they do all the investing for you it's great for those of you who are just now getting into the investing game maybe you guys don't know too much about what's going on uh when it comes to investing don't worry about that acorn will go ahead and take it take care of it for you and lastly if you use the link to sign up there'll be a link in the description or in the show notes wherever you're watching or listening use that link acorn will go ahead and give you your first five dollars to go ahead and put towards your investment portfolio trust me every dollar counts again use the link in the description or in the show notes below to get your first five dollars to help you kick off your investments today now getting into the important stuff thanksgiving protect our turkeys mainly the cooked ones we love a good turkey nice good ham for thanksgiving maybe i'm gonna talk to you about ways to still celebrate thanksgiving this year during a national pandemic with all the rules and stuff especially if you live in a gestapo run state like california for those of you however that live in a normal state like florida per se if you guys don't know there's a lot of uh states like california and new york new jersey that are implementing rules for citizens not necessarily laws because they're not laws but maybe like a mass mandate a statewide mandate statewide social distancing uh these states for thanksgiving especially they want you to have gatherings of no more than six people per se maybe 10 people if they're being generous it should be held outdoors masks and social distancing should be kept in mind

uh over the past year of course we've seen uh police in states like new york and california heavily enforce similar guidelines and i wouldn't be surprised if they enforced these guidelines in thanksgiving in those states so if you live in one of those states be sure you listen to me closely because these are going to be some great tips and tricks for you in order to prevent getting arrested uh for having you know your 10 immediate family members at your house what you can do the first tip that we recommend you do is to go ahead and rat out your neighbors first so we suggest you go ah to your neighborhood go through look around try and find the biggest gathering you can find that's not yours but the biggest gathering besides yours that you could find uh call the police say hey just want to let you know you can call the non-emergency number just wanna let you know uh there's a big gathering happening down the street from me it looks like they're not really following the cdc guidelines i think you guys should go check it out and just like that the cops the swat team whoever they want to send they're gonna go to that house down the street check them out they're not even gonna think about checking out your house because you ratted them out you called on them so they're gonna be like okay well i'm not even gonna go ahead and check these guys that called i mean if they even know it's your house you know of course they know but they're not even gonna have time or energy to go to your house as well and arrest all your family members for celebrating thanksgiving it's just not gonna happen because they're busy taking care of your neighbors so one of the best ways to basically redirect the cops and the swat team and the government as a whole is to go ahead and route out your neighbors before the cops get a chance to find your place our second tip that we have for you this one kind of ties into the last one but you make sure that you have your friends your families uh your friends or family any of your guests park down the street a bit or park anywhere away from the house preferably in front of someone else's house so then what happens is when the cops drive by when they're driving down the street uh they'll see all these cars parked in front of this other house and your house will be completely empty you also want to make sure that you have your gathering inside the house of course and close your blinds close all the windows so no one can see in so they don't know what's going on inside your house you basically want your house to look abandoned compared to your neighbor's house so they'll be patrolling do whatever it is they do or someone calls hey there's like 10 cars in front of this guy's house and they'll all be over there nonetheless that you guys are having an absolute rager inside your house an absolute thanksgiving marathon of all the foods you could think of and no one's gonna be the wiser because everyone's cars are parked over there they're gonna be now the problem is they might be like well whose cars are these

then you might run into some issues but as long as there's no strict policy on towing in the neighborhood you should be fine all you want to do is basically make sure that they don't know it's your house

also

a key tip this isn't on our main list but i want to make sure that you guys go ahead and get your own gonzo tonight's show merged very important a cyber weekend too so of course uh from now until december 1st use the code cyber cyber to get 30 off your entire order this is until december 1st so make sure you go to teespring.com stores slash gonzo tonight use the code cyber until december 1st and you can get 30 off your entire order of the godzilla tonight merch t-shirts hoodies mugs anything you want we can do it back to our main list our third tip for this wonderful thanksgiving in 2020 uh simply just leave just leave your state uh find friends families or strangers that uh live in another state a normal state like florida where we're allowed to celebrate thanksgiving to the fullest extent of our abilities and just have thanksgiving there chances are most states in the country have common sense leadership when it comes to covet and there's no you know statewide lockdowns no mask mandate no you know have to be social distancing at all times no wearing masks inside your house crazy things like that and uh you permission to have more than six family members at your thanksgiving basically all you gotta do travel one or two states away probably towards the middle of the country or come to florida we're welcome to have you chances are you'll find someone like me who is loving and welcoming and will allow you to have thanksgiving and we won't judge you for trying to celebrate thanksgiving like we have every single year before this number four this one's probably the hardest to accomplish but it's the most foolproof i would say uh i think some of you out there will be able to pull it off but basically what you need to do is reach out to your governor your senator uh mayor any political official in your state and invite them to your thanksgiving make their favorite food give them an early christmas present donate to their corrupt campaign whatever you want to do anything in order to get them to your thanksgiving gathering why is that very simple these politicians like governor news governor newsom let's say they make these rules about kovid but they are also the ones that are exempt from these rules uh we've seen such as governor newsom that he was out eating dinner with his uh friends and family no masks no social distancing and implementing these strict rules on the rest of the state or like governor cuomo outside walking his dog no massive social distancing the governor of new jersey same thing eating dinner with his family and he said that uh people should put a mask on in between each bite i kid you not in between each bite you need to lift your mask up and lift it down take a bite whatever and he wasn't doing that he was just not wearing a mask so but they don't get in trouble so what you do is you invite your political officials governors mayors whatever to your thanksgiving therefore they can't but the cops can't bust your thanksgiving they won't send a swat team over there because the people that are exempt from the rules are at your thanksgiving so basically this protects you from anything and any agency coming after you you won't get in trouble if you have a political official there especially the ones that make the rules because they're the ones that are exempt and uh before we get to the last big thanksgiving tip that i have for you today on this special episode i wanted to make sure you guys consider donating to the podcast and supporting us at buymeacoffee.com your support is what keeps us going it's what helps us continue to improve in the future and you can also join our gonzo gold membership on buymeacoffee.comgonzo our gonzo gold membership has many special benefits that the average listener does not have access to so again go to buymidcoffee.com consider supporting the show and helping us out keep us going for the long haul and of course improving our podcast every single day it's much appreciated i thank you guys for the support you've given to us over the past year finally though we have the fifth final tip for you today this one is not the hardest to accomplish um it's almost as foolproof as the last one i'd say it's the it it could be the most effective when implemented right and keep in mind for those of you who have been listening to this episode and haven't realized that this is satire we don't condone any of these things that we've just said it would be funny as heck but we don't condone it and especially this one we don't condone it this whole thing is satire um but anyway ignore that what i just said is that this is the best tip you're gonna get from us today okay here's what you do first of all you have to have your thanksgiving outside that's the thing you have it outside but trust me it's worth it and you make sure that you all your friends and all your family gets their very own ar14 assault weapon with a hundred round clip and shoots 30 000 rounds per second you sit outside the cops are patrolling the officers whatever they see you eating some turkey some stuffing whatever with this bad boy on you they ain't gonna do nothing i promise you that and uh oh real quick i do have to say that this is not mine this ar-14 here is not mine i'm looking at you joe i lost all my guns in a boating accident recently very tragic boating accident i barely made it out alive lost all my guns though so i had to borrow this one from a friend i do not plan on getting any more guns joe if you're listening i do not plan on getting any more guns i have no guns left because they are all in the bottom of the ocean couldn't save a single one so just for the record i don't have any guns i'm borrowing this one from a friend and anyway foolproof plan on how to survive your absolutely almost normal thanksgiving during a national pandemic worldwide pandemic but of course this is directed towards the united states because we're celebrating thanksgiving and the mass genocide have made a bunch of native americans but thank you very much for tuning into this exclusive episode of the gonzo tonight show i hope that these tips and tricks will help you survive your thanksgiving dinner and that you won't get arrested or anything like that for not wearing a mask or social distancing but thank you very much again for tuning in and be sure to subscribe to the podcast so you can stay updated with when we upload new episodes on social media as well gonzo tonight everywhere stay up to date with what we're doing special events or exclusive episodes like this one be sure you keep up to date with what's going on and until next time be safe take care thanks for tuning in